I have met a man who accidentaly mixes up spanish and japanese when he speaks it because ‘all the words end on o or a’. He drinks pastis like it’s water and named his dog after it too. I met a woman who sat down next to me when I finished work and we simultaneously smoked a cigarette whilst she told me i should have my baby young because you can truly live a party life before and afterwards again and no, you dont have to ‘find the father first’, she said to me, ‘if you want a child and you’re in love, just do it’ and the relationship won’t last but the baby will be an enfant d’amour and that will be good enough. I met a man who stays up until 5am most nights because he prefers good wine and good conversation over sleep and I guess he can keep going because I noticed he pees every five minutes and the alcohol must get out of his system before it can even enter. I meet a woman most nights when I walk home, she stands quietly on the corner of the rue de la rotonde with beautiful make up and a slight stubble, her softly whispered bonsoir is becoming my parental good night kiss before I climb up the stairs to my apartment, and then the stairs to my bed. I have met many men who call after me, some offer to walk me home, some offer me a towel to cover up, some offer to kiss my beau cul, and I will keep saying non merci and wear my skirts because they cannot hold power over me.
My mother tells my as a baby she would set me up in front of MTV videoclips because the overload of sensory impulses was necesarry to keep me entertained. I have always read the newspaper when it was upside down in front of me on a breakfast table in my fathers hands. I want so many stories all the time. Its pure greed, truly, but I hope the listening ear I offer is a somewhat fair trade.
Haley wrote a case against introspection and self-interpretation. I read it from my phone on a terrace before my shift, nauseous from the cookie I had because I mistakenly thought my twitchy-eye-sleep-deprived body might thrive on sugar. It was the last bit about living externally that resonated deeply with me, which is a mode of perception: absorbing whatever is around you rather than what happens deep inside yourself. Of course, diving into the richness of life will get a little ugly and their is a huge case to make against alcohol abuse. (“It is to live a life that takes up public space, a life that is messy and confusing and thus a life that is often frowned upon” is the quote from the piece that i copied into my journal). My sister rolls her eyes at me when I video call her to tell her what I did last night. I may recall this newsletter in a few years time, deep into therapy for all the emotions that turned out to live in my body, unnoticed and unresolved. They may be my downfall. but I know tranquility is like the tides to me and currently the tides are low.
Enthralled by this, thanks Robin
it’s so well written, i love it!